Your Morning Pick-Me-Up

Note: This is a blog post from last year I am sending to the archives. If you’ve read it before, just skip. Otherwise, enjoy!

Being a writer/journalist, every morning I look forward to my steaming hot mug of coffee and a browse through my local newspaper. Sure there’s the latest depressing news on natural disasters (I think if I lived in a country with 40 or more volcanoes in what is termed the “Ring of Fire,” I might consider living somewhere other than in a valley), political issues (Congress votes to ban pennies), economic crises (This just in: Dollar now worth 8 cents!) and lost pets (Lost: three-legged Husky/Collie/Bulldog mix, blind in left eye and hard of hearing, answers to the name “Lucky” and last seen in the valley near Mount Pinujab).

But there’s also my very favorite section to which I look forward every day: the Police Beat.

Of course, I browse the listings each day to be an informed citizen…it’s important to know what kind of crazies I’ll encounter as I triple-lock my front door and head out on my errands and adventures. I also like to know what kind of crime wave is occuring in my rural area (unexplainably, there seem to be a lot of missing jars of pennies these days), which neighbors have been arrested for theft or DWI (and yes, there have been a few…think I’ll re-check my dinner party list as I browse), and who has been passing bad checks for clearance meat at the local Wal-Mart store (ewww!).

But more importantly, I read for entertainment. To bring a bright spot to my morning. See, I have discovered even Dave Barry and Dave Letterman would have a hard time topping these true gems:

  • 3600 Block of South Walnut Street, 2:10 a.m. Sunday, a man complained that his girlfriend’s  husband hit him in the face after finding them together in his house. Said he did nothing to provoke him, and couldn’t understand why he was assaulted. Suspect under investigation. [Maybe the police should be investigating the complaintants’ teachers as they clearly failed him in the smarts department!]
  • 400 Block East 20th Street, 12:02 a.m. Wednesday, a 20-year-old man reported he gave someone $60 for marijuana, and after taking the money the person sped away in a vehicle without giving him anything. [Officer, I have a medical condition…]
  • 1000 Block South Rogers Street, 12:56 p.m. Monday, a woman reported someone fraudently signed her up for approximately 100 magazine subscriptions, which she is now receiving. Police reported the suspect lives several states away. [Just use a change of address form, hon, and they’ll all suddenly be delivered “several states away.”]
  • 600 Block North College Avenue, 10:55 p.m. Saturday, a 30-year-old man was arrested after he reportedly hit himself in the head with a beer bottle. Police determined he was intoxicated and took him to the hospital for his injuries. [Well of course he was intoxicated…not many of us are hitting ourselves over the head after a half-caff venti mocha frapp!]
  • 2900 Block South Walnut Street Pike, 3:03 p.m. Wednesday, a woman reported someone knocked the lid off her beehive and the bees escaped. She found several bees were dead. No suspects. [Wanted: roly poly bear last seen in red shirt, answers to the name of Pooh]

Ah, the list is endless, and endlessly entertaining! So if you are needing a bit of a pick-me-up and can’t wait for your local barista to finish your half-caff, enjoy yourself as you peruse your local Police Beat section. Just be sure to have your dinner party list handy as you read and keep your penny jar tucked safely away.

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One response to “Your Morning Pick-Me-Up

  1. If only all crimes were as funny!
    I think all these crimes are somehow connected; I wouldn’t be surprised if Pooh went around stealing money from marijuana addicts, and then using the money in order to sign fake magazine subscriptions.

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