31 Days of Horror Movie: Frostbiten/Frostbitten/Frostbite (2006; Not Rated; 102 min)

Oh, what a fun time I had with this Swedish subtitled movie! I don’t think it was created to be a campy, B-style horror movie (in fact, it seems to have won some international awards of some sort), but that’s what it is. If you like some laughs with your vampires, Frostbitten is for you!

The movie opens in 1944 Ukraine with German soldiers coming upon a cabin in the snowy woods. Seeking shelter, they break in to spend the night. Little do they know what awaits them as they sleep, but the coffins in the basement are your top clue.

Cut away to present-day Norbotten, where polar night has begun (darkness for a full month). Dr. Annika and her 17-year-old daughter Saga have just moved in. Saga is quickly befriended by Vega, a punk-type teen with a drug habit. She invites Saga to a party many of the kids at school are throwing that night.

Meanwhile, Annika meets Professor Beckert, a researcher working at the hospital where she is now working. Beckert has a weird connection with a girl in a coma at the hospital, whom he force-feeds red pills. Two interns at the hospital find the pill stash and one, Sebastian, takes one. He is soon hearing dogs talk to him. When he goes to his girlfriend’s house to meet her parents, he snatches the pet bunny for a nice, bloody feast while the family sits at the table awaiting his return. In the bathroom cleaning up, he begins to notice fangs growing and panics. Soon amazingly clean, he exits the bathroom and begins smoking (not cigarettes, but smoking from his head) when his girlfriend’s father, conveniently a priest wearing a cross, speaks to him. The pet dog laughs maniacally while thanking Sebastian for ridding the household of the rabbit.

Still with me? Okay, good. Now, back at the party, some crazy teen boys spike the punchbowl with the red pills Vega has since snatched from Sebastian. As girls gossip on the couch, vampire teens pull others over the back of the couch to quench their thirst and create more vampire teens. The gossip girls don’t even notice, until one is finally bitten awkwardly on her forehead. A neighbor woman calls the cops, complaining that the teens across the street are “climbing the walls” (which they are, literally)! Saga manages to escape the madness, but is chased by, and throws yard decorations at, vampire Vega who is soon crying out, “Stop throwing gnomes at me!” Saga escapes again but is surrounded by more teen vamps as the cops arrive.

But wait…we also now learn of the dark past of Beckert and the girl in the coma, and as Annika is held prisoner by Beckert, he transorms into an ugly vampire man. He chases her through the hospital (and by chasing, I mean crawling quickly along the ceiling) as she tries to escape and save the girl too, all while trying to get back to Saga.

Back at the party, one teen tells the cops, “Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon. Dawn is just a month away.” The good part is, the movie is over sooner than that and you can once again get your laughs from a rom-com, not a Swedish import.

  • Top Scare: Vampire man
  • Heartbeats: 1 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 3 1/2 out of 5
  • Suspense Factor: 1 1/5 out of 5
  • Recommended for: 15 and up, due to partial nudity and gore.
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