Horror Movie: Nine Dead (R; 2010; 98 min.)

Sabrina the Teenage Witch, aka Melissa Joan Hart, stars in this listless Saw-wannabe movie set almost entirely in a small windowless cement room. It is well-lit however, the better to see the blood spatter and sidewalk-chalk writings. Huh? Okay, let me back up a bit.

Nine people are kidnapped and find themselves handcuffed separately to metal poles in this cement room. The kidnapper, wearing a blue face-hugging mask and a hood to conceal his identity, tells them they must figure out why they are ALL there or he will shoot one of them every 10 minutes. He then throws a handful of colorful sidewalk chalk into the room for them to write with. So they immediately get down to business trying to figure it all out! No, actually, they waste lots of time arguing about inane things like is this some sort of sick game, are cops good or not, does the admitted pedophile in the room deserve to go first, etc. One of the nine does not even speak English, so they waste time watching her gesture as well.

When the kidnapper returns after 10 minutes on the dot (we know, because he has conveniently place a clock in the room for all to see and hear), he takes out his first victim. In shock, the remaining eight waste even more time shaking their heads and trying to close their dropped jaws. Then they waste even more time arguing about this or that or the other (so much arguing!), that several more of them are picked off as well. But little by little, they start to figure out some connections…will they figure out why EVERY ONE of them was placed there to begin with in time, though? Or will the possibility of Ten Dead be DOA? Watch this horrible horror movie only if you really must find out!

  • Top Scare: Uh, I’m thinking…can’t think of one though!
  • Heartbeats: 1/2 out of 5
  • Gore Factor: 3 out of 5
  • Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
  • Recommended for: No one, but if you must, 16 and up

Next up: Frozen

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